Some Fave Music

Joey – Concrete Blonde
Hold On-Sarah McLachlan
Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
Wild is The Wind – Nina Simone
I Gotta Feelin’ – Black Eyed Peas
One Step @ a time – Jordin Sparks
Change- The Deftones
Don’t Phunk With My Heart – Black Eyed Peas
Sleep To Dream Her- DMB
Why- Tawny
Why- Annie Lennox
6 Underground – Sneaker Pimps
Shimmer- Fuel
She’s Only Happy in The Sun – Ben Harper
Creep- Hana Pestle
Need- Hana Pestle
The Red Death – Hana Pestle
Hallelujia – Hana Pestle
Lazy Eye – Silver Sun Pickups
Slide- Dido
White Flag – Dido
Possession – Sarah McLachlan
Adia- Sarah McLachlan
The Path of Thorns – Sarah McLachlan
Ordinary Life – Cruel Intentions
Like a Friend – Pulp
Never Again – Kelly Clarkson
Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas
So Lonely – Mariah Carey feat. Twista
Your Song – Moulin Rouge
Halo- Beyonce
Fly Away- Moulin Rouge
I want What I want – Lauren Christy
I Dreamed a Dream- Les Miserables
Call Me When Ur Sober – Evanescence
Caught a Lite Sneeze – Tori Amos
Siren – Tori Amos
I want A Little Sugar in My Bowl – Nina Simone
Here Comes The Sun – Nina Simone
Summertime – Nina Simone
Black Is The Color of my True Loves Hair – Nina Simone
House of The Rising Sun – Nina Simone
Feeling Good – Nina Simone *
I Put A Spell On You – Nina Simone
Wild Is The Wind – Nina Simone

The Struggle of Being a Single Mom.....

I'm out at the college and trying to ascertain what's become of my financial aid check. There is no check. 6 units is not enough to get a check. I'm so glad I figured this out now, before the 30th of September when they told me I would get a check. So I brought my three year old in with me to accept the terms and conditions of my subsidized loan. Naturally I did. I pay a sitter for 2nd shift while I go to school and one for full time nights and I sho' did bring my Lukie in with me through this whole process throughout today.  I'm really glad that i didn't quit my job! I want to though. I hate the night shift. Really. Three weeks before I get my check now.........and this means, I'm kind of aggravated. I could have done this three weeks ago. 

Do people really pay out over $300 in childcare and live on a poverty guidelines income like mine. B/c it's total crap. I had to call the elementary school today and just talk to them and say, you know, this is hard enough as it is. You want more money and I don't have more money. I have $23 bucks in my pocket and I don't get paid for at least another week. So welcome to my world. *Sarcastic Laughter*

Do I feel like I'm urging myself in the right direction? Absolutely. My job is what they call a pud job, it's an easy job that some people can retire off of, but not people like me that support two children alone. I don't have the answers. I just woke up and thought, I don't want to smoke anymore. I quit. I don't have the answers, but I'm tired of being fat so I put it into the perspective of "IM WORTH $41.60 " I joined a gym and have lost three pounds so far. Basically, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired so I am active taking measures to change it. All of it. Everything I can. Why? Because I'm 31 years old. BUT I'm not dead yet!!!!

getting Better.

Getting sober was really sad for me.
I got up one day and ordered airport tickets.
I gave away my things, possessions that could be replaced.

I brought memories of sadness with me.
The six year-old by my side and the fetus within my womb.
Four suitcases and plane tickets and no plan to speak of, only my faith in God.

That was March 5, 2006.
I am a different person now.
I tell myself that was nearly four years ago.

I lay down four different nasty substances.
I put away cocaine, meth-amphetamine, alcohol and marijuana for good.

You can't be a good mom and an addict.
I couldn't go to rehab b/c I couldn't take my oldest son with me.
It was necessary to travel 3,000 miles away in order to test a theory.

My theory was right.
I had to acknowledge that I wasn't in control.
I had to acknowledge that my children weren't mine at all.

The state could take them from me if the wanted to.
I didn't want that to happen. I love my kids.
I did heal and I will tell you how.
That's another story.