My Hero - Gwendolyn Brooks & why I will never love another...

To Be In Love by Gwendolyn Brooks

To be in love
Is to touch with a lighter hand.
In yourself you stretch, you are well.
You look at things
Through his eyes.
A cardinal is red.
A sky is blue.
Suddenly you know he knows too.
He is not there but
You know you are tasting together
The winter, or a light spring weather.
His hand to take your hand is overmuch.
Too much to bear.
You cannot look in his eyes
Because your pulse must not say
What must not be said.
When he
Shuts a door-
Is not there_
Your arms are water.
And you are free
With a ghastly freedom.
You are the beautiful half
Of a golden hurt.
You remember and covet his mouth
To touch, to whisper on.
Oh when to declare
Is certain Death!
Oh when to apprize
Is to mesmerize,
To see fall down, the Column of Gold,
Into the commonest ash. ......

How To Paint a Water Lily - Ted Hughes is Absolutely Brilliant

How To Paint A Water Lily by Ted Hughes

To Paint a Water Lily

A green level of lily leaves
Roofs the pond's chamber and paves

The flies' furious arena: study
These, the two minds of this lady.

First observe the air's dragonfly
That eats meat, that bullets by

Or stands in space to take aim;
Others as dangerous comb the hum

Under the trees. There are battle-shouts
And death-cries everywhere hereabouts

But inaudible, so the eyes praise
To see the colours of these flies

Rainbow their arcs, spark, or settle
Cooling like beads of molten metal

Through the spectrum. Think what worse
is the pond-bed's matter of course;

Prehistoric bedragoned times
Crawl that darkness with Latin names,

Have evolved no improvements there,
Jaws for heads, the set stare,

Ignorant of age as of hour—
Now paint the long-necked lily-flower

Which, deep in both worlds, can be still
As a painting, trembling hardly at all

Though the dragonfly alight,
Whatever horror nudge her root.

The Owl by Ted Hughes

I saw my world again through your eyes
As I would see it again through your children's eyes.
Through your eyes it was foreign.
Plain hedge hawthorns were peculiar aliens,
A mystery of peculiar lore and doings.
Anything wild, on legs, in your eyes
Emerged at a point of exclamation
As if it had appeared to dinner guests
In the middle of the table. Common mallards
Were artefacts of some unearthliness,
Their wooings were a hypnagogic film
Unreeled by the river. Impossible
To comprehend the comfort of their feet
In the freezing water. You were a camera
Recording reflections you could not fathom.
I made my world perform its utmost for you.
You took it all in with an incredulous joy
Like a mother handed her new baby
By the midwife. Your frenzy made me giddy.
It woke up my dumb, ecstatic boyhood
Of fifteen years before. My masterpiece
Came that black night on the Grantchester road.
I sucked the throaty thin woe of a rabbit
Out of my wetted knuckle, by a copse
Where a tawny owl was enquiring.
Suddenly it swooped up, splaying its pinions
Into my face, taking me for a post.

The Minotaur by Ted Hughes

The Minotaur by Ted Hughes

The mahogany table-top you smashed
Had been the broad plank top
Of my mother's heirloom sideboard-
Mapped with the scars of my whole life.

That came under the hammer.
That high stool you swung that day
Demented by my being
Twenty minutes late for baby-minding.

'Marvellous!' I shouted, 'Go on,
Smash it into kindling.
That's the stuff you're keeping out of your poems!'
And later, considered and calmer,

'Get that shoulder under your stanzas
And we'll be away.' Deep in the cave of your ear
The goblin snapped his fingers.
So what had I given him?

The bloody end of the skein
That unravelled your marriage,
Left your children echoing
Like tunnels in a labyrinth.

Left your mother a dead-end,
Brought you to the horned, bellowing
Grave of your risen father
And your own corpse in it.

Lovesong by Ted Hughes

He loved her and she loved him
His kisses sucked out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she sucked
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and Sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered into the curtains

Her eyes wanted nothing to get away
Her looks nailed down his hands his wrists his elbows
He gripped her hard so that life
Should not drag her from that moment
He wanted all future to cease
He wanted to topple with his arms round her
Or everlasting or whatever there was
Her embrace was an immense press
To print him into her bones
His smiles were the garrets of a fairy place
Where the real world would never come
Her smiles were spider bites
So he would lie still till she felt hungry
His word were occupying armies
Her laughs were an assasin's attempts
His looks were bullets daggers of revenge
Her glances were ghosts in the corner with horrible secrets
His whispers were whips and jackboots
Her kisses were lawyers steadily writing
His caresses were the last hooks of a castaway
Her love-tricks were the grinding of locks
And their deep cries crawled over the floors
Like an animal dragging a great trap
His promises were the surgeon's gag
Her promises took the top off his skull
She would get a brooch made of it
His vows pulled out all her sinews
He showed her how to make a love-knot
At the back of her secret drawer
Their screams stuck in the wall
Their heads fell apart into sleep like the two halves
Of a lopped melon, but love is hard to stop

In their entwined sleep they exchanged arms and legs
In their dreams their brains took each other hostage

In the morning they wore each other's face

A Poem by the late Ted Hughes

The Thought-Fox by Ted Hughes

I imagine this midnight moment's forest:
Something else is alive
Beside the clock's loneliness
And this blank page where my fingers move.

Through the window I see no star:
Something more near
Though deeper within darkness
Is entering the loneliness:

Cold, delicately as the dark snow,
A fox's nose touches twig, leaf;
Two eyes serve a movement, that now
And again now, and now, and now

Sets neat prints into the snow
Between trees, and warily a lame
Shadow lags by stump and in hollow
Of a body that is bold to come

Across clearings, an eye,
A widening deepening greenness,
Brilliantly, concentratedly,
Coming about its own business

Till, with sudden sharp hot stink of fox
It enters the dark hole of the head.
The window is starless still; the clock ticks,
The page is printed.

Tim Passed Away in September of '08

Tim passed away in September of 2008 right before his birthday. It was really very sad. He suffered a long, long time while battling Cirrhosis of the Liver. He had 9 months of sobriety when he passed away. He suffered every major infection, surgery on his intestines, collapsed lungs......they had to trake him (tracheotomy?) and spent most of the time in and out of the hospital while waiting on kidney and liver transplants. (Dialysis) Multiple blood transfusions......most of the time his white blood cell count was too off to perform any kind of major surgery like that......he was on a liquid diet for most of the time.....he wasted away to just above or below 100 pounds and his stomach was severely distended.......he remained positive and hopeful but stopped drinking too late........when he passed, it wasn't until mom said, "I love you honey. I release you." I can only imagine how painful......how dragged out......how exhaustive....I didn't go to the service ( a small chappel with a beautiful AA speaker meeting) He was surrounded by friends of AA - a beautiful service. Was later cremated. Mom wants to be cremated and for their ashes to be mixed together and then she said she dosen't care what we do with them...; They traveled a lot together. They went on a cruise down throughout Mexico Coast and went to San Simeon a lot to see the ocean, the seals, and Hurst Castle. He and I made peace. He is the one who called after seeing Lucas just one time when he was about 9 months old....he wanted us to have a car. I knew something was wrong. Up until then, he had never phoned me. But he expressed how proud he was of my sobriety and relocating from California to Missouri to get off Meth, Cocaine, Weed and yeah, lots of alcohol. This car provided us the means to get around after taking the bus for a year and a half. This car provided us the means to get a good paying job b/c he had sent $2,500 for us to purchase this wholesale '96 Pontiac grand am. I never asked for the money. He just sent it. When mom bragged about Tony and Joe being in college (and subsequently living with her) he said, "BUT you always got the BEST grades" -- he saw recovery as a minor setback. This took place the last time I ever saw him beside the Stoney Creek Inn swimming pool - mom had left to used the restroom. He was extremely proud to be a grandpa - he loved both Isaac and Lucas VERY much. Although it was hard for him to accept the fact that they were interracial at first. We spoke for a long while on the phone when he returned to California and later called about sending the money to get the car. We made our amends effectively. This was for the greater good and my pride would have never allowed me to "ask" for that kind of help. When it came time to accept that job with the state it would be one month before I received my official check after Christmas in '07 and they sent $1,000 so that I could keep this job and succeed. I am very grateful. When he became very ill, I wanted to visit and at his request I stayed home. His memory faded in and out and when he lost his ability to speak, he was very concerned about our family and how we were doing. I sent pictures and mom would show them to him in his weakened hospitalized state......I grieve this still to this day. I am filled with regret for being unable to go be there. However, he is in a better place. He told me, that he always just wanted to be a father to his daughter where I was concerned. He is and was the only father I have ever known. We had a semi-decent childhood by all means, and I credit him for any and all common sense that I possess. I made plenty of mistakes, but he always reminded me to make a "list" of pros and cons, and reinforced positive goals and the ability to go forward and never backwards. He will be missed. He said that he really admired my drive, my stubborness and inner-strength. Even when I thought those things had flown far away from me, they remained close to my heart. It's is important to me to this day that he reinforced "who I am and who I am not" when I thought I was at my lowest. He commanded so much respect and I have so much admiration for this man. I always will. Mom was incredible through it. She is pursuing her RN Bridge program with a vengeance. Two of her three sons have married, and Joe and his wife just had a little girl. Mom is thrilled. Death is tranformative. She is seeing someone from AA - exhausted- tired and overwhelmed much of the time. She had Gastric Bypass surgery and her schooling cost no less than $67,000 dollars. She is 52 years old and I hope that she achieves all of her dreams. She has 2 great danes and is very busy - has softened her approach and disposition somewhat to allow her to be more flexible. She attends AA meetings regularly and is 10 years sober. Her AA birthday is April 12. She will be eleven then. Thanks for asking

Yeah? Well, keep the hope alive - they say in rehab you gotta change one thing and that's everything. LOL. They will teach you how to better understand yourself and greatly change your quality of life. I think I used to ignore who I was and very few of the people I was around really genuinely gave a f*ck about me ....most just wanted to see what I had. U feel me? They weren't thinkin' about me, or my kidz, or what mattered most. We'd get high and funny as sh*t be talkin' about how we wanted $, or jobs, or a great bf/gf, or how someone got their ass beat, but it was a deflection from what we really felt when we weren't even sure. I have faith in you. The question is, do you have faith in you? It was crazy just jumping on an airplane and leaving. My comfort zone was in Cali. Today it snowed. I work in a rehab (lucky enough not to get put on paper) and it's funny all the people that don't wanna be there. I'm an outsider looking in and I don't wanna be in Missouri....some little town with conflicting viewpoints....but I know that if I build up strength from the inside out, knowledge and keep working I can take myself wherever I wanna go, where the drugs couldn't. You know? I'm 31 now. I was 27/28 when I left CA but life is at least manageable now........I don't have to look over my shoulder and wonder if someone is gonna break into my place and steal my sh*t; And, I can try to be a decent human being. We're products of our environment. We do what we know. I never want my kids to see their mom strung out, living on the fringe of society......I want to at least try to hand them their chance at life and doing whatever their God - given talent may be......I don't even know you, Bro, but we have this tiny thing in common that can be so huge when it comes to taking everything.........whatever is most valuable to us in the whole wide world. I lost the love of my life, but he and I have a beautiful son. Okay. Peace!

I Am The Same But Different

My First Semester is complete

My Feet Hit the Ground Running from the Time

I get off work. 

I'm looking for my lifeline.

My inner drive

and yes

My willpower to thrive and survive in this crazy world.

*The best part of my day is waking up*

Being a mom 

and yes

Fussing over mundane things.

I explain to my kids that

In fact, I'm no nag.

I'm a prompter. 

This is my other second full-time job.

I take it seriously. 

U can't half Ass Parenting.

It's not my job to be their friends, or to be cool.

Someday they will understand.

Gweneth was right with her line in the taxi.

We are who we are. 

People don't change.

We're products of our Environment. 

The sooner my kids know this,

then the sooner my job here on this Earth will be done.

I will not linger on this Earth, disingenuine and 

Saddened. 

So while I am here, I hope to live a long life.

I hope to inspire those around me whom our family loves.

I hope to always do things for the greater good.

I hope to build people up and not to 

tear them down. 

I hope to keep learning, and being and breathing and thriving.

And when my mind slips away for a moment

when I think about the two story from time to time....

Who I was, the things I have said and done and places I have been

I will always know that this has become a part of me.

I'm the same but different.

Sobriety has changed me, and I have put old Demons to rest for a time.

They linger, true enough. 

I know they've never left. 

They hove around waiting for a slip and trying to change me back.

Just for today, I reject this darkness of my twisted bi-polar heart.

I miss my people. My past has divided me. 

I am the same but different.

Some Fave Music

Joey – Concrete Blonde
Hold On-Sarah McLachlan
Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
Wild is The Wind – Nina Simone
I Gotta Feelin’ – Black Eyed Peas
One Step @ a time – Jordin Sparks
Change- The Deftones
Don’t Phunk With My Heart – Black Eyed Peas
Sleep To Dream Her- DMB
Why- Tawny
Why- Annie Lennox
6 Underground – Sneaker Pimps
Shimmer- Fuel
She’s Only Happy in The Sun – Ben Harper
Creep- Hana Pestle
Need- Hana Pestle
The Red Death – Hana Pestle
Hallelujia – Hana Pestle
Lazy Eye – Silver Sun Pickups
Slide- Dido
White Flag – Dido
Possession – Sarah McLachlan
Adia- Sarah McLachlan
The Path of Thorns – Sarah McLachlan
Ordinary Life – Cruel Intentions
Like a Friend – Pulp
Never Again – Kelly Clarkson
Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas
So Lonely – Mariah Carey feat. Twista
Your Song – Moulin Rouge
Halo- Beyonce
Fly Away- Moulin Rouge
I want What I want – Lauren Christy
I Dreamed a Dream- Les Miserables
Call Me When Ur Sober – Evanescence
Caught a Lite Sneeze – Tori Amos
Siren – Tori Amos
I want A Little Sugar in My Bowl – Nina Simone
Here Comes The Sun – Nina Simone
Summertime – Nina Simone
Black Is The Color of my True Loves Hair – Nina Simone
House of The Rising Sun – Nina Simone
Feeling Good – Nina Simone *
I Put A Spell On You – Nina Simone
Wild Is The Wind – Nina Simone

The Struggle of Being a Single Mom.....

I'm out at the college and trying to ascertain what's become of my financial aid check. There is no check. 6 units is not enough to get a check. I'm so glad I figured this out now, before the 30th of September when they told me I would get a check. So I brought my three year old in with me to accept the terms and conditions of my subsidized loan. Naturally I did. I pay a sitter for 2nd shift while I go to school and one for full time nights and I sho' did bring my Lukie in with me through this whole process throughout today.  I'm really glad that i didn't quit my job! I want to though. I hate the night shift. Really. Three weeks before I get my check now.........and this means, I'm kind of aggravated. I could have done this three weeks ago. 

Do people really pay out over $300 in childcare and live on a poverty guidelines income like mine. B/c it's total crap. I had to call the elementary school today and just talk to them and say, you know, this is hard enough as it is. You want more money and I don't have more money. I have $23 bucks in my pocket and I don't get paid for at least another week. So welcome to my world. *Sarcastic Laughter*

Do I feel like I'm urging myself in the right direction? Absolutely. My job is what they call a pud job, it's an easy job that some people can retire off of, but not people like me that support two children alone. I don't have the answers. I just woke up and thought, I don't want to smoke anymore. I quit. I don't have the answers, but I'm tired of being fat so I put it into the perspective of "IM WORTH $41.60 " I joined a gym and have lost three pounds so far. Basically, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired so I am active taking measures to change it. All of it. Everything I can. Why? Because I'm 31 years old. BUT I'm not dead yet!!!!

getting Better.

Getting sober was really sad for me.
I got up one day and ordered airport tickets.
I gave away my things, possessions that could be replaced.

I brought memories of sadness with me.
The six year-old by my side and the fetus within my womb.
Four suitcases and plane tickets and no plan to speak of, only my faith in God.

That was March 5, 2006.
I am a different person now.
I tell myself that was nearly four years ago.

I lay down four different nasty substances.
I put away cocaine, meth-amphetamine, alcohol and marijuana for good.

You can't be a good mom and an addict.
I couldn't go to rehab b/c I couldn't take my oldest son with me.
It was necessary to travel 3,000 miles away in order to test a theory.

My theory was right.
I had to acknowledge that I wasn't in control.
I had to acknowledge that my children weren't mine at all.

The state could take them from me if the wanted to.
I didn't want that to happen. I love my kids.
I did heal and I will tell you how.
That's another story.